It began with a simple prayer

It began with just a simple prayer....

Asking God for some guidance, and to clear the air....

I didn't expect much from that simple prayer....
Maybe a little help so my struggles I could bear...

I left the house, and went on my way...
I felt the warmth on my face and thought 

"Thank you God for this beautiful day".

I never expected anything to really happen...
Yet when I saw her on the ground, my heart started tappen.

I got out to help, as I would hope many would do...
But as I looked around, there weren't even a few!

I rushed to her side, and asked if she were alright.
She nodded, slightly in pain, her back feeling tight.

I helped her up, and brushed off the dust...
She felt as if her whole body had turned to rust!

She explained what had happened, just a few months ago

her back needed some work, and she wasn't quite herself...
I thought surely, she had to find it on that aged shelf.

She thanked me for listening, and went on her way...
I was so touched, I didn't know what to say...

It began with a simple prayer....
Something I used to treat very unfair... 

Tears, Regrets, and A Testimony

There once was a girl, who knew who she was. She knew what she stood for, and she knew what she believed to be true. She trusted in God to lead her in the right direction, and would never even DREAM of crossing boundaries, that she knew to be saved for marriage. One horrible day... That all changed for her. She went to a place she knew she shouldn't have been... She ignored the still small voice telling her to not go... She ignored her own mother's warnings (even though she knew how she was always right). She even ignored her own "Gut feelings". Yet... She went. And while she was there, she never noticed the water coming to a boil... Until, it was too late.  Her innocence was ripped from her, something that she could never get back. She lost herself.... She lost what she stood for. She lost the feeling of what the warmth had felt like. All she knew now was cold... All she knew now was darkness. She wasn't who she used to be... Could she ever gain it back? Did she even want to?
She felt worthless... Tossed aside like an old, used gum wrapper... Never to be useful again.

She tried to repent.... She tried to move on and forgive.... But she couldn't.

Days... Weeks.... Months.... And eventually years passed, and she began to continue down a path that caused a lot of pain and heartache. She figured, "Why not? I'm broken anyway"...

She tried coming back... She tried finding her way... But she couldn't. It was too hard for her. It was too scary for her to think that she deserved more than what she was doing to herself. She forgot about her Father in Heaven who loved her. She forgot about her core beliefs. She forgot about the joys that she could have. She forgot about the eternal happiness she could have, instead of the "here and now" happiness....

Finally.... Years and Years later, on a rather cold November day, she realized something...
Her worth.

She began working harder and harder to get to where she knew she belonged.

Right now. This very moment. She knows who she is. She feels the light of Christ. She feels her testimony growing, slowly, but surely. She knows God loves her, and she knows, one day, all those horrible regrets, and all that pain she is feeling, will be gone!

Testimonies can literally be a lifesaver. It can get you out of scary situations...
I look at it like... A puzzle. Each piece, has a different placement, and once a piece finds its proper placement, it begins to make a picture little by little. A picture that is so lovely, and so breathtaking, you can't help but share it with others!

I want to share my testimony with you...
I know that God lives. I know that without a shadow of a doubt, He will carry you through some of the most anguishing times of your life. I know that each and everyone of us, have a purpose in this life, whether we know what it is or not.
I know that the scriptures hold some of the most powerful insights you can ever find on the face of the planet.
I know that they have been written for these latter days, because if you pay close enough attention, it is talking about today, and our trials that we face.
I know that we have a Bishop, who is a instrument in God's hand to help us reach our goals that we have set for ourselves, even if that means going to him about some pretty hard, and challenging things.
I know that families CAN be together forever, which gives me such great comfort!
I know that if we strive to do what is right, and help others, we will be blessed with eternal blessings!!
And lastly, I know that we all have great worth, whether we feel that way or not. Each one of us, have great potential.... Let's not ever forget that.

Have faith
Be steadfast
Be courageous
And never give up hope!

A day in the life of a CNA

Waking up at 5am, exhausted and sore from the night before.
Take a shower to try and wake yourself up, yet it doesn't help like you had hoped.
You put on a fresh pair of scrubs and pull back your hair, looking in the mirror, just to see the dark circles and bags under your eyes. Shaking your head, you finish getting ready.

You walk through the doors at work, with the not-so-welcoming smell of urine mixed with the smell of coffee being brewed in the next room over.

You get the pass down, and get to work. Today is one of the busy days... You don't sit down... You barely have time to use the bathroom without rushing to go grab that page Mrs. Johnson has sent out for the 11th time in that same hour.

Out of the clear blue, Mr. Dave, one of your favorite residents at work, seems to be overly exhausted, and not quite himself. You encourage him to lay down, and try to get some sleep, yet you can't quite shake the feeling that something more is happening. You don't say anything about it to him... You want him to feel comforted and loved. When you pass down to the nurse, they tell you to keep a close eye on him, that "This can be it... He very well may not make it through the night." With a heart full of sorrow, you return to your daily duties.

Hours pass.....

You haven't seen nor heard anything from Mr. Dave... That sinking feeling returns as you enter his room.

There, you find him gasping for air... You want to save him, but can't... He is DNR.
Sitting down by his side, you take his graying hand into yours, and whisper with a lump in your throat: "It's okay Mr. Dave, you can go."
Watching his chest shallowly rise and fall, you are there.... And as he takes his last breath, you call the nurse in. You prepare the body, ensuring that you still keep his dignity. This is one of the hardest parts of your job... You know you won't see his smiling face, mindlessly wandering the halls, making friends with almost everyone he comes in contact with. You hold in the tears.. To cry in front of the family, would be unprofessional, but in your mind, you can hear the sorrow filled words, echo through your mind. When the family has said goodbye, and the body is taken away, you return to your duties... Almost as if nothing happened. But in your heart, you still feel heavy.

Ms. Logan has the stomach flu.. Again... Instead of making it to the basin you have for her, she winds up throwing up on you. "Great" you think, but don't say anything... She is embarrassed, but you assure her, it's no big deal, even though on the inside, you definitely want to join in on the vomit fest.

Ms. Salzaur has eaten something that doesn't agree with her stomach, and has soiled herself. You rush to her side to assist her needs, and while cleaning up, her soiled clothing lands on your shoes.... At this point, you want to scream, but don't... Instead, after cleaning her up, you grab a disinfecting wipe, and clean yourself up.

Finally, your day is coming to a close. You are exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. You've been puked on, and pooped on. You lost one of your favorite residents... You are ready for home. You are ready for bed.

On the car ride home, you allow your tears to flow freely for Mr. Dave... You allow yourself to mourn, because to hang on to something like that, would be effecting your job performance.

When you get home, and take a nice hot shower.. washing away the day.
All you want to do is sleep, so you crawl into bed...
But, there's no sleeping in tomorrow....
You have to do it all over again.

Although you may be exhausted, you go to bed happy, with the knowledge that you have helped others.... That you were there for someones last breath, and you were there to comfort those that were sick.... To you... It all has been worth it.

It IS possible

So, I know it has been a long while since my last entry... However, as of late, I have had so much going through my mind... I figure... If I write it all down, it is no longer bouncing around in my head, making that awful echo...

I have been going through some really.... Crazy and hard changes in my life.... And when I say crazy? I mean on two different sides of the spectrum... Let me enlighten you...

Back in 2014, I thought that I was going to make huge leaps and bounds into the direction that I wanted to go. I was absolutely DETERMINED to change my way of living, and to get myself out of this deep, dark hole that I had dug for myself. I guess my determination wasn't as strong as I had hoped for, because.... I slipped right back into my old behaviors....
I am someone who doesn't quite do well with change... I like to stay to the same old, same old.... Something that is comfortable to me, even if it isn't what is the best for me....
 However, since that tends to be my mentality about... Oh.... 90% of the time? I get stuck in ruts, and I can't seem to find my way out of them... It's a horrible cycle!

I had an addiction... Men... Maybe not severe enough to call an addiction, but that seems to be the only way to describe it... A man would look my way, and seem to fancy me, and BOOM! I was hooked on them... They saw my interest, and most would take advantage of that to what THEY wanted... But did I care?.... No. I stopped caring a long time ago. I wasn't always that way you know... When I was younger, I did care. I strove to be the best person I could... I tried to follow my church's standards, and do what was right.... But somewhere? Somehow? A switch had been flipped... I didn't quite understand what was going on, let alone, how to stop myself from being so..... In lack of a better word, STUPID!!! I could blame it on my illness... Say that it was my Bipolar depression that had done it to me... But it wasn't. Maybe it had a small key into all I was going through, but it wasn't everything...

I was desperate... So desperate that I searched everywhere for love... I was never content... I jumped around from person to person like a rabbit jumps through the meadow... Of course, so many of the people I was looking for love from, weren't the best of people. A lot of them were controlling, manipulating, and sometimes, just down right mean. But, at the time? That's all I thought I deserved. I never thought myself to be worthy of a nice man. One that would treat me right, and never hurt me or my family...
I often think of the quote from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower . Where the teacher said to Charlie:
"We accept the love we THINK we deserve." Yeah... If you saw all the people I chose to be around, and with? You would agree, that I didn't think highly of myself...

However, in the midst of the darkness I had created for myself, one day, I saw this... Pen point of light shining forth... It was like my... "A-HA!" moment. I realized I needed a change, and I needed it SOON. I had been beating my head against the same brick wall for far too long, and I needed to stop it! My brain cells were not going to survive!

So... I prayed.

My answer? Simple! Go to church, pray continually, read your scriptures... But most importantly... FIND THOSE UPLIFTING PEOPLE YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE!!! (That last line, really did seem to be screamed...)

So... Halfheartedly... I started doing those things... (well.. all except the scripture part). And, I could see a change... Slight... but a change nonetheless. There was a part of my that really did want to go and do all of these great things... But the other part of me? Didn't.

I went to the Single's ward for the longest of times... (Again, all halfheartedly). I found some friends and began hanging out with them. I thought they were amazing! I even started dating one of the people from that friend group. Needless to say? Things were looking.... somewhat better. I mean I had a boyfriend who went to church regularly, and these friends, I hung out with almost all the time! It was great! We were even considering marriage! Something I had always hoped for! However... That too... started to slowly turn sour. Why? Well, I didn't quite know at that time... looking back, I feel it was because I wasn't fully committed... and the boyfriend thing was really too soon... I mean, this guy... I liked... A lot at first... But, I learned rather quickly, that he wasn't even the one I was wanting to be with... I should have been honest with him in the beginning, but I was afraid... I was afraid of his retaliation, and losing one of my new found friends...
Slowly.. He and I started to... do things that were frowned upon in the Church. When it first happened, I felt... Numb. I knew I had to go repent... But even that wasn't in the right light. I hadn't really felt all that guilty, but I knew it was "the thing to do" when you've done something wrong.

I... We... Were doing better. The physicality of the relationship was kept to a minimum of cuddles, hugs, and kisses. Things were going much better... But, again... A few weeks went by, and we were back to doing all things physical. It was almost like we didn't care about the repentance process that is so sacred... All we wanted was just that minute of gratification, instead of an eternity of happiness.

One day... Things got scary really quick.... We were at his house... Just the two of us. We had finished going cloths shopping, and I wanted to try on the new dress I had bought, thinking it would be cute to show him. When I changed into it... His whole mentality changed. I could see it, and I could sense it... A little red flag had gone off in my mind... I brushed it off, thinking it was nothing. Again, like so many times before, we headed to his bedroom. I was fine.... At first. But then, I had a horrible flash back to a scary place in my life, and I told him "I can't do this right now, you need to stop." I got up and he was pretty mad at me. I was scared, and needed to find my composure again, so I stepped in the bathroom, just so I could have sometime to myself... He followed me in. His exact words were: "Hey! I pleasured you, and now you won't even pleasure me back!? I don't think that's very fair!" I was cornered... what was I going to do... I tried to play it cool, and sat on his counter top, but things got even worse. He started to YANK my pants down. My heart was racing with fear, rather than anticipation, and I realized... This wasn't healthy. I finally found my voice, stood up, looked him in the eye and said: "Damn it! when a woman says no, she means freaking no!." I'm not sure if it was the way I said it, or if he was afraid I was going to go to someone, but, he backed off...
Walking out of the bathroom, he immediately began to play that teary eyed "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." crap. I knew it wasn't sincere... I couldn't feel the sincerity at all... And that day, I decided, I was done.... In a relationship, you aren't SUPPOSED to feel that way... You're supposed to feel safe, and not threatened. And if it is anything I have ever been taught, is that as soon as it feels uncomfortable, and you don't feel safe anymore, that is your cue to run, and run far far away.

So, I broke it off with him...

I didn't feel very supported by my friends at that time. I wanted to tell them everything that had happened, but I had a feeling they weren't going to believe me. Pretty soon, after all that pestering and asking why I didn't get back together with him, and the why I would hurt the "Poor guys heart." I told them.... I told them everything. How I felt threatened, how I was uncomfortable, and how, I just plain didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt unsafe. At least one of my friends understood...
I dated that guy for all the wrong reasons....

1. I was desperate for love.
and
2. I liked his best friend, and wanted to be with him... His best friend only saw me as a friend, and so I held on to that relationship with my ex, just so I could be in his friend's life.

Either way, my fear had became a reality... I lost my friends. I mourned for the loss.... And I realized, it was time to start from square one all over again... oh the joys.

I stayed going to church for a while... I mean, I had to... But every time I saw my ex's face, I got sick to my stomach, and felt so angry, I shook all over. That was no life to live...

Eventually I stopped going.... Which, for me, was not a very wise choice.... Remember all that behavior I talked about at the beginning of this post?.... Well... I began to do it again... And I didn't know how to stop.

I was stuck in yet another hole, with more regrets I knew I was going to have...

A month or so had gone by, and one of my friends had come home from his mission. I was supposed to go to his homecoming, but I worked the night before... And, in all honesty, I didn't want to see my ex's face... So I stayed home. I was very upset I missed it... But one of my best friends said that he had asked about me, and wanted my number... So, she gave it to him. I was startled that he even remembered who I was since we didn't really keep in touch while he was away, and I was also somewhat angry... I didn't wanna go back to church, yet here my friend is giving my number to a return missionary.... -_-;

A few weeks went by and my friend and I had planned to have dinner and a movie night at her house. I was stoked! I hadn't hung out with her for a while. As soon as I sat in her car she had told me, that our fellow RM friend was going to be joining us for dinner.... I was MORTIFIED! I wasn't dressed properly to be hanging around a man who was so worthy and glowing! That.. and I was nervous.... I hadn't seen our friend in literally AGES!

So, while anxiously awaiting his arrival, I paced her floor, with so many memories, and thoughts running through my mind, they all didn't make sense.... AT ALL!

When he finally got there, we embraced in the most magical hug I could have asked for... That particular day had been crappy, and he had made it all the more better (as he always had).

As we sat down to have dinner, we start talking, just like old times. It felt wonderful! It was like, we had started right back up from where we left off, yet at the same time, things were different. I was truly happy.... UNTIL!

Right in the middle of eating dinner, he turned to me and asked: "So... I'm going to Institute tonight... You wanna come?"

I FREAKING KNEW IT!

I didn't want to go... My insides were screaming "NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO! SAY NO SAY NO SAY FREAKING NO!!!!" but... I knew I couldn't say no... So, reluctantly, I stuttered through a rather painful "yes".

I wasn't very thrilled. In fact... I was upset... and a might on the nervous side... All over again...

But something.... Strange happened.....

As soon as I walked through the doors of institute, and sat down to listen to the lesson.... I was overwhelmed.... I don't know if it was because of the spirit, the guilt I was feeling, or the lesson being taught... But I cried... I cried and I couldn't stop. The flood gates were opened, and a switch had been flipped....

My RM friend put his arm around me, to try to console me... Did that help? Nope! It made the tears worse.... Then My dear friend leaned over to me and asked if I wanted to talk about what was going on... I nodded.

As soon as we found a private room, I sat down with her, and ALL those secrets of what I was doing flooded out... All those burdens and guilt were being felt. She was a great listener, and gave me some great advice... I knew what I had to do... and this time, there had to be 130% dedication.

Since that day, I have been striving each day to be better, and to  do better. I slip a lot still (what person doesn't?) but I am happier. I rely on the Lord for all things, and I no longer have that desire for a relationship with anyone, until I can mend what has been broken within myself.. Until I gain that testimony I have been so badly needing... Until I am Temple worthy again, and can say "This is my boundary, don't cross it!"

I am not alone.... I don't feel alone either... I have friends who are helping me get to where I want, instead of tearing me down.... And. I have the knowledge of God's love for me... He never left my side... But rather, he carried me.

I see a difference.... I feel a difference.... And I couldn't be happier.

No matter how far we stray... Or how bad we feel.... It IS possible to return to the right path, and do the work required of you.

Trust
Believe

All things WILL work out. :)

Untittled Poem

Giving your all yet somehow, you're the one that has to fall.
Is it them? Or is it you? There are only so many few.
Please tell me that somehow, somewhere, there is a curfew?

He hurts you subtly so you cannot see.
Those who care, just want to give you the key.

"DANGER!" is what your mind seems to scream.
But your delicate heart is trapped behind a course, brutal screen.
Unaware, and unseen...

Which way is out?
Is it possible I can bring myself to shout?

Each step towards my escape,
I gain more bruises, scrapes and pain.

What is the cost to be free?
I don't want to be continually shoved down to my knees.

If I stay, I will surely die.
It is indeed my time to say goodbye.

I take a leap and pray I won't sprain....
Once I cross, and have endured the pain
I welcome this beautiful storm,
This downpour of rain.

To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern,

I feel I am dying...
My soul longs to be flying.

To have no worry, nor fear...
Is the time drawing near?

These are my thoughts that go through my mind...
Will the answer I ever find?

I look in the mirror, who is this I see?
This woman, she is not me...

My question for you is hard but true...
Would you care if the vale I go through?

Before it's too late, and this becomes my fate, please listen to me!
Tell me I'm great, before I close this eternal gate.

Are you here?
I give you my fear...

Stand beside me, arm in arm...
Stop me from this horrendous harm...

To whom it may concern