It IS possible

So, I know it has been a long while since my last entry... However, as of late, I have had so much going through my mind... I figure... If I write it all down, it is no longer bouncing around in my head, making that awful echo...

I have been going through some really.... Crazy and hard changes in my life.... And when I say crazy? I mean on two different sides of the spectrum... Let me enlighten you...

Back in 2014, I thought that I was going to make huge leaps and bounds into the direction that I wanted to go. I was absolutely DETERMINED to change my way of living, and to get myself out of this deep, dark hole that I had dug for myself. I guess my determination wasn't as strong as I had hoped for, because.... I slipped right back into my old behaviors....
I am someone who doesn't quite do well with change... I like to stay to the same old, same old.... Something that is comfortable to me, even if it isn't what is the best for me....
 However, since that tends to be my mentality about... Oh.... 90% of the time? I get stuck in ruts, and I can't seem to find my way out of them... It's a horrible cycle!

I had an addiction... Men... Maybe not severe enough to call an addiction, but that seems to be the only way to describe it... A man would look my way, and seem to fancy me, and BOOM! I was hooked on them... They saw my interest, and most would take advantage of that to what THEY wanted... But did I care?.... No. I stopped caring a long time ago. I wasn't always that way you know... When I was younger, I did care. I strove to be the best person I could... I tried to follow my church's standards, and do what was right.... But somewhere? Somehow? A switch had been flipped... I didn't quite understand what was going on, let alone, how to stop myself from being so..... In lack of a better word, STUPID!!! I could blame it on my illness... Say that it was my Bipolar depression that had done it to me... But it wasn't. Maybe it had a small key into all I was going through, but it wasn't everything...

I was desperate... So desperate that I searched everywhere for love... I was never content... I jumped around from person to person like a rabbit jumps through the meadow... Of course, so many of the people I was looking for love from, weren't the best of people. A lot of them were controlling, manipulating, and sometimes, just down right mean. But, at the time? That's all I thought I deserved. I never thought myself to be worthy of a nice man. One that would treat me right, and never hurt me or my family...
I often think of the quote from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower . Where the teacher said to Charlie:
"We accept the love we THINK we deserve." Yeah... If you saw all the people I chose to be around, and with? You would agree, that I didn't think highly of myself...

However, in the midst of the darkness I had created for myself, one day, I saw this... Pen point of light shining forth... It was like my... "A-HA!" moment. I realized I needed a change, and I needed it SOON. I had been beating my head against the same brick wall for far too long, and I needed to stop it! My brain cells were not going to survive!

So... I prayed.

My answer? Simple! Go to church, pray continually, read your scriptures... But most importantly... FIND THOSE UPLIFTING PEOPLE YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE!!! (That last line, really did seem to be screamed...)

So... Halfheartedly... I started doing those things... (well.. all except the scripture part). And, I could see a change... Slight... but a change nonetheless. There was a part of my that really did want to go and do all of these great things... But the other part of me? Didn't.

I went to the Single's ward for the longest of times... (Again, all halfheartedly). I found some friends and began hanging out with them. I thought they were amazing! I even started dating one of the people from that friend group. Needless to say? Things were looking.... somewhat better. I mean I had a boyfriend who went to church regularly, and these friends, I hung out with almost all the time! It was great! We were even considering marriage! Something I had always hoped for! However... That too... started to slowly turn sour. Why? Well, I didn't quite know at that time... looking back, I feel it was because I wasn't fully committed... and the boyfriend thing was really too soon... I mean, this guy... I liked... A lot at first... But, I learned rather quickly, that he wasn't even the one I was wanting to be with... I should have been honest with him in the beginning, but I was afraid... I was afraid of his retaliation, and losing one of my new found friends...
Slowly.. He and I started to... do things that were frowned upon in the Church. When it first happened, I felt... Numb. I knew I had to go repent... But even that wasn't in the right light. I hadn't really felt all that guilty, but I knew it was "the thing to do" when you've done something wrong.

I... We... Were doing better. The physicality of the relationship was kept to a minimum of cuddles, hugs, and kisses. Things were going much better... But, again... A few weeks went by, and we were back to doing all things physical. It was almost like we didn't care about the repentance process that is so sacred... All we wanted was just that minute of gratification, instead of an eternity of happiness.

One day... Things got scary really quick.... We were at his house... Just the two of us. We had finished going cloths shopping, and I wanted to try on the new dress I had bought, thinking it would be cute to show him. When I changed into it... His whole mentality changed. I could see it, and I could sense it... A little red flag had gone off in my mind... I brushed it off, thinking it was nothing. Again, like so many times before, we headed to his bedroom. I was fine.... At first. But then, I had a horrible flash back to a scary place in my life, and I told him "I can't do this right now, you need to stop." I got up and he was pretty mad at me. I was scared, and needed to find my composure again, so I stepped in the bathroom, just so I could have sometime to myself... He followed me in. His exact words were: "Hey! I pleasured you, and now you won't even pleasure me back!? I don't think that's very fair!" I was cornered... what was I going to do... I tried to play it cool, and sat on his counter top, but things got even worse. He started to YANK my pants down. My heart was racing with fear, rather than anticipation, and I realized... This wasn't healthy. I finally found my voice, stood up, looked him in the eye and said: "Damn it! when a woman says no, she means freaking no!." I'm not sure if it was the way I said it, or if he was afraid I was going to go to someone, but, he backed off...
Walking out of the bathroom, he immediately began to play that teary eyed "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." crap. I knew it wasn't sincere... I couldn't feel the sincerity at all... And that day, I decided, I was done.... In a relationship, you aren't SUPPOSED to feel that way... You're supposed to feel safe, and not threatened. And if it is anything I have ever been taught, is that as soon as it feels uncomfortable, and you don't feel safe anymore, that is your cue to run, and run far far away.

So, I broke it off with him...

I didn't feel very supported by my friends at that time. I wanted to tell them everything that had happened, but I had a feeling they weren't going to believe me. Pretty soon, after all that pestering and asking why I didn't get back together with him, and the why I would hurt the "Poor guys heart." I told them.... I told them everything. How I felt threatened, how I was uncomfortable, and how, I just plain didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt unsafe. At least one of my friends understood...
I dated that guy for all the wrong reasons....

1. I was desperate for love.
and
2. I liked his best friend, and wanted to be with him... His best friend only saw me as a friend, and so I held on to that relationship with my ex, just so I could be in his friend's life.

Either way, my fear had became a reality... I lost my friends. I mourned for the loss.... And I realized, it was time to start from square one all over again... oh the joys.

I stayed going to church for a while... I mean, I had to... But every time I saw my ex's face, I got sick to my stomach, and felt so angry, I shook all over. That was no life to live...

Eventually I stopped going.... Which, for me, was not a very wise choice.... Remember all that behavior I talked about at the beginning of this post?.... Well... I began to do it again... And I didn't know how to stop.

I was stuck in yet another hole, with more regrets I knew I was going to have...

A month or so had gone by, and one of my friends had come home from his mission. I was supposed to go to his homecoming, but I worked the night before... And, in all honesty, I didn't want to see my ex's face... So I stayed home. I was very upset I missed it... But one of my best friends said that he had asked about me, and wanted my number... So, she gave it to him. I was startled that he even remembered who I was since we didn't really keep in touch while he was away, and I was also somewhat angry... I didn't wanna go back to church, yet here my friend is giving my number to a return missionary.... -_-;

A few weeks went by and my friend and I had planned to have dinner and a movie night at her house. I was stoked! I hadn't hung out with her for a while. As soon as I sat in her car she had told me, that our fellow RM friend was going to be joining us for dinner.... I was MORTIFIED! I wasn't dressed properly to be hanging around a man who was so worthy and glowing! That.. and I was nervous.... I hadn't seen our friend in literally AGES!

So, while anxiously awaiting his arrival, I paced her floor, with so many memories, and thoughts running through my mind, they all didn't make sense.... AT ALL!

When he finally got there, we embraced in the most magical hug I could have asked for... That particular day had been crappy, and he had made it all the more better (as he always had).

As we sat down to have dinner, we start talking, just like old times. It felt wonderful! It was like, we had started right back up from where we left off, yet at the same time, things were different. I was truly happy.... UNTIL!

Right in the middle of eating dinner, he turned to me and asked: "So... I'm going to Institute tonight... You wanna come?"

I FREAKING KNEW IT!

I didn't want to go... My insides were screaming "NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO! SAY NO SAY NO SAY FREAKING NO!!!!" but... I knew I couldn't say no... So, reluctantly, I stuttered through a rather painful "yes".

I wasn't very thrilled. In fact... I was upset... and a might on the nervous side... All over again...

But something.... Strange happened.....

As soon as I walked through the doors of institute, and sat down to listen to the lesson.... I was overwhelmed.... I don't know if it was because of the spirit, the guilt I was feeling, or the lesson being taught... But I cried... I cried and I couldn't stop. The flood gates were opened, and a switch had been flipped....

My RM friend put his arm around me, to try to console me... Did that help? Nope! It made the tears worse.... Then My dear friend leaned over to me and asked if I wanted to talk about what was going on... I nodded.

As soon as we found a private room, I sat down with her, and ALL those secrets of what I was doing flooded out... All those burdens and guilt were being felt. She was a great listener, and gave me some great advice... I knew what I had to do... and this time, there had to be 130% dedication.

Since that day, I have been striving each day to be better, and to  do better. I slip a lot still (what person doesn't?) but I am happier. I rely on the Lord for all things, and I no longer have that desire for a relationship with anyone, until I can mend what has been broken within myself.. Until I gain that testimony I have been so badly needing... Until I am Temple worthy again, and can say "This is my boundary, don't cross it!"

I am not alone.... I don't feel alone either... I have friends who are helping me get to where I want, instead of tearing me down.... And. I have the knowledge of God's love for me... He never left my side... But rather, he carried me.

I see a difference.... I feel a difference.... And I couldn't be happier.

No matter how far we stray... Or how bad we feel.... It IS possible to return to the right path, and do the work required of you.

Trust
Believe

All things WILL work out. :)